Me, Myself & All My Parts

Why IFS makes so much sense to me

I have a slight tendency to sign up for new training, buy another book, find another course I definitely need to do… I know. I need to stop.

I have actually got better recently and forced myself to be much pickier about what I commit my time and money to, choosing things I’m genuinely interested in and that I can see being useful in my practice and in my work with clients.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) has absolutely been one of those things.

I find it fascinating, both in individual work and with couples, because it makes sense of something most of us experience: we can have completely conflicting thoughts and feelings at exactly the same time.

A part of you wants to say no, while another part is terrified of disappointing someone.

A part of you knows you need to rest, while another tells you you’re lazy if you stop.

A part of you wants to move forward, while another keeps pulling you back towards what feels familiar.

IFS looks at these as different parts of us, often shaped by things we’ve experienced and ways we’ve learnt to cope, protect ourselves or stay connected to other people.

In relationships it gets particularly interesting, because we’re not only dealing with our own parts, we’re dealing with someone else’s too. One person’s defensive part can very quickly bring out the other person’s angry part, which might then bring out a withdrawing part, and suddenly you’re having the same argument you’ve had 47 times without really understanding what’s happening underneath it.

Rather than trying to get rid of the anxious part, the angry part, the people-pleasing part or the part that overthinks absolutely everything, IFS helps us get curious about why it’s there and what it thinks it’s doing for us.

Even the parts of ourselves that frustrate us usually developed for a reason, and understanding that reason can completely change the way we relate to ourselves and, very often, to each other too